


Balance (A Reylo eventuality)

by LadyWinchester42



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), I'm a sucker for a happy ending - Freeform, Innocent at first, M/M, but..., gotta develop that shit, independent but dependent, mention of Stormpilot, sorry I am bad at tagging
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-18
Updated: 2018-06-15
Packaged: 2019-01-18 22:20:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,730
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12397401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyWinchester42/pseuds/LadyWinchester42
Summary: Rey and Kylo unexpectedly meet while she is running a mission, but how will their discovery of their force bond change them?





	1. Those you run into

Her heart was pounding and her breath was coming out in a fast and raspy pace as she sprinted and dodged through the crowd, occasionally looking back at the men chasing her.

_I’m an idiot, I can’t believe I fucked this up._

She had had a bad feeling as soon as they landed the Falcon on the planet, but she chocked it up to nerves. Rey was sent on this mission after her and Luke had returned to the Resistance headquaters. It was her first real mission, besides the minimal training Luke had put her through on Ach-To. He was scared to train her too much, in case she turned to the dark side like Ben did. _Look how it’s helping me now._

“Chewie, you need to go. They know I’m here, they’ll find the Falcon soon enough. I need to disappear. I’ll rendezvous with you back at HQ.”

Rey heard his protests in her ear com,

“I know, I know. I’ll be as safe as I can. Good luck.”

She was pushing past people in a street market until she darted around a corner and plastered herself up against a wall trying to stay as still as she could. A few seconds later the three men ran past the alley where she had turned off and she released a deep breath she did not realize that she had been holding. Rey waited for a few seconds with her eyes closed, trying to shake the pit in her stomach and regain her breath. Shaking her head, she turned to start continuing her way down the alley she had turned in to. When she opened her eyes…

Kylo Ren was standing there, in civilian clothes, staring at her in suppressed shock. That look quickly melted into anger as he reached for his holstered saber.

_Shit._

Not wanting to take her eyes off Ren, but needing to check for the other men, she turned her head quickly and saw two more of them turning to come into the alley.

_Shit!_

Turning back around she saw Kylo approaching her like a wolf hunting a deer.

“I’m going to kill you.” He gritted.

She needed to stay calm or it was going to turn into a bloodbath, with a lot of civilian casualties. She made peace with herself dying long ago on Jakku, but she was not going to allow the deaths of innocent bystanders.  

“Yeah, yeah, tough guy”. Rey challenged Ren with direct eye contact and she began walking towards him, before pulling him into the closest door way.

She felt his lightsaber handle pressed into her stomach, a quick switch would have her impaled.

“Look, I’m in the middle of something, can you be quiet for like, five minutes, then we can go somewhere and I can kick your ass again?” Rey whispered, looking up at him.

He laughed quietly,

“Why wouldn’t I just end you here?”

“Look at you trying to be all tough,” she said sarcastically, “It’s hard to take you seriously when I’ve heard all about you running around naked when you were a child. Leia is extremely liberal when it comes to telling stories about you.” Rey let out a small chuckle before it was cut off by him pressing the hilt further into her stomach that took the breath out of her. _Stupid, keep your stupid mouth shut, Rey._

“Do you have a death wish?” He asked incredulously.

“Okay, okay. Sorry. Look, I know you’re not going to kill me, just like I’m not going to kill you. I didn’t kill you on Starkiller, so you _owe_ me one.”

She didn’t know if that would mean anything to him, but she had to try.

He looked at her for a moment longer with a curious look in his eye before easing up on the pressure of his saber, but did not fully take it back. Rey took a deep breath and turned her head to look into the alley to see the men who were chasing her start walking by.

“Shit.” She whispered, and grasped Kylo by the front of his shirt and moved him so that he was blocking her completely from the view of the alley. She peered around him to see if the men were still there, completely oblivious of the fact that Kylo had one arm on the wall beside her head and the other pressed against her, their bodies completely pressed together.

When she looked at him again, he was looking at her with an unreadable expression. She didn’t know what to say, but they stayed there looking at each other for what felt like hours, logically she knew it was probably only a minute or so. She broke eye contact and cleared her throat,

“If you’re going to kill me, just do-”

“Do you have nightmares about me?” he asked. Rey look at him, confused. She shook her head,

“How do you know-”

“Because I have them about you.” Kylo stated bluntly. “Ever since I interrogated you, I’ve had them. But even when I’m awake, there’s a nagging feeling like-”

“Like you can feel what I can.” She finished.

They were quiet for a moment.

“What does that mean?” She finally asked.

“I’m not sure the extent of it, every once in a while, I can hear thoughts that aren’t my own. I think they may be yours. That’s how I know that you’ve been training with Luke.”

“And that’s how I got the hunches of what planets you were going to attack next,” Rey realized, “Who have you told about this?”

“No one.” He replied.

“Really? You didn’t run to your master telling him how you can hear my thoughts? Why?”

“Did you tell Luke?”

She paused.

“I didn’t know that it was you.”

“But you knew something was going on.”

Rey didn’t respond, but she averted her eyes.

“I need to go.” She didn’t like this. She felt way too comfortable being this close to someone she saw kill his own father and had threatened her with death mere minutes ago.

After a moment of hesitation, he stepped aside and said,

“After this, we’re square. Next time I see you-”

“I know,” Rey looked at him for a moment, feeling a sort of emptiness creep back into her body.

 _See you around, Ben._ She thought as you turned and started walking away.

She didn’t see it, but Kylo’s head snapped up and stared after her. He had heard her.


	2. Staying or Leaving

Rey didn’t tell anyone about seeing Ben on her mission, she wanted, no needed, to figure out what happened.  She had always assumed the next time they met would be their big final showdown with only one of them walking away. But this, this felt almost normal, comfortable. _He almost killed Finn._ She had to keep reminding herself. _But Leia knows there’s a part of her son still left, should I not hope for the same?_ Rey had been through so much in her life and yet always surprised herself with how much hope she had left.

A few days later, Rey decided she was going to tell Leia and Luke about meeting Ben. Rey grabbed her jacket and left her bunk. The base was always so cold, well, everywhere was cold compared to Jakku. She made her way through emptying halls, everyone was heading to sleep. Rey knew this would be the best time to try and talk to them both, since they’d most likely be finished with their official work for the day. As Rey walked, she began mentally preparing how she was going to tell them. _Okay, so we ran into each other, but I was still being chased, so I pulled him into a doorway where we proceeded to have an intimate conversation about how we can sometimes hear each other’s thoughts and feel each other’s feelings. No._ Rey decided it was best to leave out that part, at least until she can do more research on it herself. She had almost made it to Leia’s office when she heard two voiced arguing. Stopping near the door, Rey listened.

“But she needs more training! You saw what happened in Imperial City. If she had more knowledge about her abilities she would have been able to defend herself better.” Leia argued, audibly frustrated.

“She got away, didn’t she?” Luke countered.

This wasn’t the first time she heard Leia and Luke arguing about her training. Leia believed that Rey deserved more training, afraid that leaving Rey untrained would lead to her going elsewhere to get training, like Snoke. _Or Ben. Rey never told them that he had offered to be her teacher. Just that he tried to get her to the Dark side._ Luke was afraid of the same outcome, but he believed that if he trained her as he had Ben, Snoke would manipulate her in the same manner. They never asked her what she thought, although she told Luke that she wanted more training more times than she could remember. She understood where they were both coming from and she hated seeing their relationship strain because of her. She just got a family and she was already putting so strain on them.

“I can sense the dark in her, Leia. It’s not much, but it’s there. In the wrong situation, who knows how she could snap. Look at Anakin, the dark side chipped away at him his whole life to the point where it took one order for him to murder children.”

_He doesn’t really think I’d-_

“Maker, Luke.” Leia exclaimed, “Do you really think that Rey, _our_ Rey, would be anything like our father?”

“I don’t know, maybe,” he started, “But I can’t train another Ben, Leia. I’m sorry, but I can’t. You remember what Yoda told me on Dagobah, _I_ would be the last Jedi to exist.”

_What? He never told me-_

“That means that no matter how good Rey is, how light she is, she can’t be a Jedi. Which means only one thing. She is going to go dark, it’s only a matter of time.”

Rey couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Why did it have to be black and white? Why couldn’t she be a mixture of light and dark? Passion and peace, chaos and order. She didn’t understand, so she decided to ask. She opened the door and walked in, causing the siblings to look at her in surprise.

“Rey!” Leia exclaimed.

Rey looked at Luke, torn between being hurt and understanding his fear.

“Why can’t I be both?”

They both stared at her, surprised.

“I don’t want to be bad. But if it’s impossible for me to be a Jedi, why can’t I still be good, just not a Jedi?”

Leia looked at Luke and crossed her arms, waiting for an answer.

“Rey…” He started before taking a long pause. “I’m sorry for what you heard. I don’t like thinking what I do, but the lives that have been lost because of my misjudgment of Ben has proven how careful I need to be. Do you think when Ben was first starting out he had the intentions of obliterating entire planet systems? No. But the part of him that was dark kept growing, kept becoming more corrupt, to the point of killing…” He stopped, a pained expression on his face, one that covered Leia’s as well. “Please, try and understand why I’m worried, Rey.”

“I do understand.” Rey rebutted, “I really do, I wish you’d just told me sooner. I would have at least known not to blame myself this whole time.” Rey paused, crossing her arms, her eyebrows furrowing together in realization.

“This is what you did to Ben isn’t it?” Rey asked, looking between Luke and Leia.

They both stared back surprised.

“Rey! You-” Luke started.

“You knew the darkness in Ben and tried to hide it from him, even when he talked to you about how he felt. You lied to his face, pushed him away instead of simply explaining it to him.” It was starting to make sense to Rey, how easy it was for Snoke to manipulate Ben. It happened to stragglers all the time on Jakku, they would join gangs and groups they knew did horrible things simply for the fact that they would feel like they at least had someone protecting their back. Snoke provided Ben with answers and protection, even if it meant doing horrible things.

“You have no idea what you’re talking about, Rey.” Luke stated, agitated.

“Yes, I think I do. I’m not blaming you both for his actions, but I understand now what happened.” Rey said, nodding to herself before bringing her eyes to meet Leia’s.

 “I’m going to go off planet for a while.” Rey stated, nodding her head in agreement to what her mouth was saying, mentally deciding to not tell them about seeing Ben.

Leia’s face crumbled,

“Rey…”

“No, really. It’s okay. I just need to think about things. I’ve been around so many people and around so many things for so long, I need to get away by myself for a while to think. If that’s okay with you, Leia, I don’t mean to leave my post." Rey looked at Luke, “And since I don’t have to worry about missing training…”.

Leia was quiet for a moment before looking at Luke with an angry fire Rey had not seen before. She stared at him for a moment before turning back to Rey, her face turning into a face of understanding. It’s as motherly as Rey could imagine, not that she knew what that looked like.

“Don’t worry about your post, take as much time as you need.” Leia smiled gently before reaching behind her desk, grabbing a comm.

“Here, take this. Just in case you need to reach us.” She handed it to Rey, who took it and attached it to her belt.

“Thank you, Leia.”

“Please stay safe,” Leia said, pulling her into a hug.

“You are _always_ welcome here, Rey. Please don’t forget that.” She said into her ear before letting her go.

Tears were beginning to form in Rey’s eyes, so as she peeled away from Leia she immediately turned and reached for the door before stopping and looking over to Luke.

“I understand, Luke. But, you have to have realized this isn’t black and white. Your father wasn’t always evil, was he?”

Luke looked at her inquisitively, before shaking his head no.

“No, he wasn’t always dark. Not fully.”

She nodded, before turning and walking out of the room. Rey smiled to herself as she packed her things, feeling lighter than she had in a long time.

**

When she was almost done packing, her door busted open. She spun around, subconsciously summoning her saber into her hand.

“What the hell is going on, Rey?” Finn was standing in her doorway, Rey took a deep breath, placing her saber in its slot in her belt. She walked over to Finn and wrapped her arms around him. He reciprocated immediately, pulling her in tight. They stayed this way for a few moments before he asked again, not breaking away from the hug.

“Why are you leaving?” He asked, voice breaking. Rey could feel his heart racing, or maybe it was hers, she hated leaving him, he was her best friend.

“I’m so sorry Finn, I was going to find you as soon as I was done packing” She started, speaking into his shoulder. “I can’t stay here, I just can’t. Luke thinks that I’m going to go dark like Kylo did, I need to be away from here and figure some things out before I can come back.”

Finn pulled back to see her face,

“Luke thinks what?!” Defensiveness filling Finn’s voice. Rey smiled in return, before kissing him on the cheek and resting her head on his shoulder again. His reaction validated what she was feeling, she was glad someone besides Leia still had faith in her.

“Thank you, Finn.” She whispered.

“For what, Rey?” He asked.

“For making me feel like I’m not crazy. For making me feel welcome and as close to home as I have felt in a long time.”

“I feel like I’ve let you down. I wish this could be a better home for you, I’ve been so distracted with making this a home for myself that I didn’t realize everything you were going through.”

It was Rey’s turn to pull back and look at him,

“Finn, no!” Rey’s eyes brimming with unshed tears. “I am so happy that you have found a home here, and that you’ve found Poe. You love being around people, you fit in so well here. Especially now that the rebellion is getting more and more defector Troopers, they need you here to help them. You are doing such amazing things here, Finn, I’m so proud of you for staying in this fight. But…” she paused for a moment trying to collect her words, “I don’t fit in here. At least not yet anyways.”

Finn smiled sadly, “There’s nothing I can say to get you to stay?”

Rey smiled back, pulling him back again.

“No, but you have no idea how much I appreciate you trying.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes before Rey pulled away and turned to grab her bag.

“At least let Poe and I drop you off somewhere, please.”

Rey nodded before taking one last look at her room. They both left, heading towards to hangar.

**

Poe pulled her in a crushing hug as soon as she reached the hangar. Rey let out a small laugh, reciprocating the hug just as tightly.

“You sure about this, kid?” He asked.

“No, but I need to go anyways.” She responded, pulling away and smiling at him. The next moment she was pulled and crushed into nothing but fur.

“I can’t breathe, Chewie,” she laughed as she pulled away. He whined something before pulling her back into a quick hug.

“I know, I know. I was hoping you’d come along to drop me off.”

He grumbled back at her.

“Yes, well thank you for taking time out of your very busy day.” Rey laughed again. She turned and headed towards the Falcon, the three followed her on and to the cock pit. She sat down in one of the chairs,

“Look, I’m flying her today, at least till we get on course, I don’t know when the next time I’ll be able to fly her is. But, you three need to decide who’s going to co-pilot.”

With one terrifying stare and growl from Chewie, the two boys left and started playing a game of sabacc.  

“Okay, Chewie. Let’s get going.”

**

Rey had chosen to go to Coruscant. She had no plans on staying there very long since being around that many people was not something that she wanted right now, but she thought she could figure out where she wants to go from there.

Once the Falcon was on her course, Rey left Chewy in the cockpit and went back to the guys, who immediately lost interest in their game once they saw her.

“Hey, Rey!” They both said in unison.

“Okay, relax you guys. I’m not gonna be gone forever,” She said endearingly. They separated, letting her sit between them. Rey took a deep breath and closed her eyes and Poe wrapped his arm around her shoulder, bringing her in so that she could rest her head on his shoulder.

“Do you want to go catch some shut eye in your room before we get to the city?” Finn asked.

“No.” Her answer was quick, “I want to spend some more time with you two, even if I maybe nap while I do it.” Rey wrapped and arm across Poe while taking Finn’s hand in her other. Despite her arms being awkwardly crossed, she didn’t know the next time she would feel this comfortable.  

“Well our shoulders are completely open for you to use as pillows.” Poe assured, tightening his arm.

“I need to talk to you guys about something, and I need you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone back on base about it, especially Luke and Leia.” Rey swallowed, nervous to tell them about her encounter with Ben.

“Yeah, of course, Rey. Anything.” Finn promised, Poe nodding along with him.

Rey sat up before she continued, taking one of their hands in hers.

“I’ve been having these really out of place feelings and thoughts lately, kind of like intuition, but too specific.”

“Like how you knew what bases the First Order were going to attack.” Finn interjected.

“Yes, exactly.”

“I thought that was kinda weird, but I just assumed it was something to do with that force mumbo jumbo.” Poe added.

“So did I, but I still had my issues with it. Anyways, on that last mission that I was on, the one where Chewie had to leave planet without me. It wasn’t just that I was hiding from those goons that were chasing me. I ran into…” She stopped, feeling terrified all of the sudden that they wouldn’t understand. But they tightened their grip on her hands,

“It’s okay Rey, you can tell us.” Finn ushered on.

“I ran into an alley to get away from those guys, and I ran, almost literally, into Kylo Ren.”

Their breaths hitched.

“Rey, what did he do to you?” Finn demanded, worry plastered all over his face.

“He didn’t do anything, Finn, I promise.” She reassured him. “He tried, but he was undercover. I pushed into a door way and told him to not start a fight because there were civilians everywhere and they would just end up being killed in the process.” _Okay Rey, dangerous territory. What’s a believable lie, you can’t tell them what happened next._

“Go on, Rey.” Poe urged.

“He said that I was lucky he was under orders to not bring attention to himself, so he said that he would escort me back to his ship. But as soon as we started to leave, I saw more of those men chasing me, so I pushed Ren into them and took off. I don’t know how I lost him, but I did. Luckily I found a fast ship off planet.”

“Rey, why don’t you want to tell Luke and Leia about this?” Finn asked.

“Because they, well at least Luke, would just see that as another possible temptation from the dark side. It would just make Luke trust me less, and Leia…it would be too painful to hear about him so soon.”

They nodded, but were silent.

“I just needed to tell someone, and I know that I can trust you both.” Rey squeezed both of their hands.

_Okay, I think they bought it._

**

It was all too quickly before Chewie roared back to let them know that they were close. They all took deep breaths and looked at one another.

“Poe, can you help Chewie prep for landing while I talk to Finn for a second?”

“Yeah, of course.” Poe took off towards the cockpit and Rey turned toward Finn.

“Finn…” Rey started, “I just…” Her words were failing her.

“I know, Rey.” Finn softly smiled, pulling her into him. They stayed that way until they felt the ship land and Poe came out,

“Okay, kids. Time to do this thing.” His voice came out shakier than Rey was sure he meant.

They broke apart and Rey moved and retrieved her pack.

“Oh Finn, don’t forget the pack Leia gave us.” Poe reminded Finn.

“Oh, right. Finn walked over to where they had tossed their stuff and grabbed a dark gray bag.

“When Leia came and told me that you were leaving, she told me she was going to prep a pack and give it to Chewy to put on the Falcon. It just has some things that she thought you might need, credits, a jacket, those little candies that you like.” He handed it to her, it was perfect.

“That’s more than generous, please tell her that I said thank you.”

She hadn’t packed much, so she quickly transferred all her things into the new bag. When she was done, she slung it on her back and looked at her three boys.

“I don’t even know who to hug first.” She laughed slightly.

Chewie pushed his way in front and pulled Rey into a huge, and suffocating, hug. Rey didn’t mind in the least. He pulled back and roared before turning and lumbering away.

Poe was second. Before he could let go,

“Please take care of him, Poe.” She whispered.

He squeezed her before letting go and looking her straight in the eye replying,

“I will take of him as long as I’m bleedin’, I promise.” They smiled at each other before he turned and went to find Chewie, rubbing Finn’s arm on his way past him.

“You guys need to get yourselves official, like, yesterday.” Rey smirked before they embraced, for what she knew would be the last time in a long time.

“We’re as official as we need to be right now.” He laughed, “Plus, this war isn’t helping us with timing either, with one of us always being gone.”

“Still, don’t let that stop you from being happy, okay?”

“You got it, boss.”

They were silent for a moment before Rey pulled way.

“Please be safe.” Finn pleaded.

“I will try,” she responded. “And I’ll let you know when I find out where I want to go, okay?”

“You better, or else I’m hunting you down and dragging you back to us.” He half-joked.

“I don’t doubt that for one second.” Rey kissed him on the cheek and gave him one last quick hug before turning around and walking down the ramp. When she was about twenty feet away, she turned around to get one last look at the Falcon before heading deeper into the city.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late addition, school has been crazy! Hopefully I get on a more regulated schedule:) Sorry not sorry for all of the hugs this chapter, but that Finn/Rey hug in TFA makes me think she's hella huggy now that she has someone to be affectionate with. Also, I know Kylo is only mentioned in this chapter, but they will be meeting again verrryyyyy soon<3


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi you guys! I'm so sorry for disappearing off the face of the planet. Here is one more chapter!

Rey tightened her grip on her staff as she made her way to the only hotel she knew, it was heavily frequented since the main floor was a cantina. She made her way through the cantina and found a Twi’lek where she could purchase a room. After giving him credits, she dropped her bag off in her room and went down to find a seat at the bar. She only brought her holo and a few credits to get a drink. Rey made herself comfortable at a table near the back and pulled out her holo.

 _Okay, Takodana or Naboo. Naboo or Takodana, Rey._ She brought up histories of each planet, finding the pros and cons to each. _Well my last trip to Takodana got cut short._ She continued swiping through pages. _I could visit Maz for a bit, see if she has any jobs she needs help with. Plus, I’ve been craving to be back to those trees from the moment I was forced off planet._ Rey brought up some pages on Naboo. Leia had told her how beautiful Naboo was, how she and Han would take trips there like her parents did when they were younger. _It would be nice to see somewhere that’s so important to Leia. Plus, it-_

Her thoughts were interrupted by a fight that broke out across the room. People surrounding them scattered, but everyone else only glanced over before returning to what they were doing. _Must be a usual thing_. Rey looked to see who was fighting, her eyes scanning to see through all the people. It was two men, one was facing away from her. They both seemed human, the man facing her was tan with buzzed light brown hair. The other man who was much taller than the poor guy he was cornering. He had longer, almost black hair. Rey leaned to the side to get a better look. She got a glimpse of the other man’s face and recognized an all too familiar scar.

_You’ve got to be fucking kidding me._

She didn’t know what to, she did not feel panic or fear, but she knew she would feel both of these things if he saw her. She downed her drink before tucking her holo in her side pouch and standing up to sneak out. She glanced over at the two men, who had stopped fighting. Ben had cornered him and by his body language and her general knowledge of his personality, he was threatening the smaller man. _If he wanted to kill him, he would have just done it already, he must be getting something out of the guy. Why is he doing this in such a public place?_ Rey began moving towards the door, when someone roughly pushed past her,

“Hey!” She snapped, turning to see who it was. She didn’t recognize the man, but he continued to walked without giving her so much as a second thought. Her eyes were drawn to the knife that he was bringing out of his jacket pocket. Following his line of sight, it looked like he was looking right at Ben. Rey started walking back, keeping her eye on the man brandishing the knife. _He’s going to stab Ben. What do I do?_

“Hey!” Rey yelled, the man turned his head around to look at her before turning back around, pace increasing. _Shit_. Rey reached her hand out, focusing on his hand and knife. He was a few feet from Ben when she finally focused enough to yank the knife back, plunging it into his own shoulder. He cried out in pain, and turned and ran into a crowd of people away from Ben. Rey took a deep breath, calming herself. When she looked back at Ben, he was staring straight at her.

            Once again, Rey didn’t know what to do, they both were just standing there looking at each other, only separated by about thirty feet and a few people. _I can’t leave without my stuff, I’ll have nothing. But if I go upstairs, he’ll be able to corner me. There’s a window in my room, I can climb out of it and disappear into the crowd._

            She darted towards the stairs leading to her room, running as fast as her legs would take her, busting into her room, slamming and locking the door behind her. Her heart was pounding as she grabbed her bag and scrambled to get the window open. The climb down from the first floor wouldn’t be a challenge compared to the ships she used to climb to look for parts. Rey reached the ground and turned to disappear into the crowd, instead she ran directly into someone’s chest. She jumped back and grabbed her staff, staring at the man she ran into.

            “What are you doing here?” Ben asked. “You remember what I told you the last time I saw you, don’t you?” He slowly walked towards her, glaring her down.

            Rey, refusing to show fear, stood taller and brought her staff up, readying for a fight and brandishing a near snarl on her face. _Beautiful,_ she heard in her head, _Wait, what was that?_

            “Step any closer and I will take away your ability to walk.” She threatened, meaning every word. She didn’t know if he had seen her take care of that guy in the cantina, and he wouldn’t believe her if she told him she saved his life. 

            “You stopped that man from stabbing me, yet you’d break my leg here?” He teased, but stopped where he was.

            “You saw that?” She asked, surprised.

            “No.” He replied. “But, I knew he was coming, I was handling it.”

            “Bullshit,” She said, “He was two seconds away from leaving you with a new scar.”

            He chuckled, which threw her off, before she realized,

            “You were going to move so that he stabbed that other man.”

            He didn’t answer.

“Why not just stab him yourself? Your hands are bloody enough as it is.” She said, tasting the disgust in her voice.

His face set and he looked away from her, before quietly adding,

“Precisely.”

Rey recognized the resentment in his voice and they were both quiet for a moment. She decided to take a leap of faith and placed her staff back on her shoulder. Ben watched her carefully, making sure she wasn’t going to attack him.

“Again, I’m not going to attack you Ben-”

“Don’t…” He started, voice full of pain or anger, she couldn’t tell. _They’re probably the same thing to him_. “Don’t use that name.”

Rey snorted,

“Oh, what? Are you going to try to say that he’s “dead”?” using air quotations. “He doesn’t look that dead to me.” She started walking away, annoyed and needing to move, knowing he would follow.

“I’m not calling you Kylo. It’s a ridiculous name.” He didn’t respond. She couldn’t see him, but could hear him walking behind her. She made her way back around the building towards the cantina, stopping outside the entrance before turning and looking him in the eye and asking,

“Are you going to try to kill me?” She didn’t know if she could best him in a fight, especially when he’s not wounded this time, but she could definitely escape. “Because if you are, then I would prefer you try it where innocent people aren’t at risk.”

 He looked at her for a moment before responding,

 “No.”

“Good.” She responded quickly, turned on her heel and walked into the cantina. She found a table and sat down, removing her staff and pack.

“Are you going to kill me?” He asked, sitting on the chair opposite of her.

She ordered a drink from a waitress who stopped at their table, “Kyrf double, please.”

She turned to Ben, “Stop asking stupid questions and order a drink.” After a moment of silence, Rey chose for him,

“He’ll have the same. Thanks.”

Rey leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms, staring at Ben who was quietly staring back.

“You had a problem with that man over business or pleasure?” She asked, breaking the silence.

“That’s none of your concern.” He replied.

“That’s fair.”

The waitress returned with their drinks, and Rey took a sip of hers.

“Well I’m here for pleasure, if that’s what you could call it.” She said.

“What, get some vacation days for having the traumatic experience of running into me on a mission?” He asked sarcastically, taking a swig of his Kyrf.

“I didn’t tell anyone.” Rey responded, making Ben look at her in surprise. “I didn’t tell anyone about any of it, including the General.”

“Why?”

Rey scratched the back of her head, careful not to pull hair out of her buns.

“I don’t know. I-” She didn’t know what to say, she wasn’t sure she wanted to reveal Luke’s feelings about her and her connection with the Force. Changing the focus to him,

“Did you tell Snoke?”

“No. I’m not sure I would’ve survived another punishment for letting you go.” She grimaced and looked at the table, sick at the thought of that happening. _As many problems as she had with Luke, he would never fathom doing that to anyone, let alone a Padawan._

“I am not looking for pity, scavenger. Snoke has helped me get stronger, forced me to get stronger. He was there for me when Luke wasn’t, so don’t act like Luke’s methods are so much better.” Ben snapped, swallowing the rest of his drink.

Rey rolled her eyes, “Like I would know his teaching methods.” She downed the rest of her drink before she made eye contact with the waitress and put up two fingers.

“What do you mean? I thought Luke was training you.”

“Yeah well let’s just say his last Padawan put a bad taste in his mouth.” Rey muttered looking down.

Leaning forward, Ben said,

“My offer still stands, Rey. You need a teacher, let me help you.”

Rey slowly shook her head,

“No, Ben. I’m not training in the dark side. I can’t do this black and white, dark and light bullshit. It’s not code. Labeling the Force as such is-” Rey stopped when the waitress returned with two more drinks.

“Thank you,” she smiled slightly. Rey felt an emptiness creeping over her. She was unsure whether it was the alcohol, the fact that it was sinking in that she was alone again, or both.

Ben was still silent, surprisingly not angry at her rejection. He looked confused.

“That’s just how it is,” He started, “Light and dark, those who put limitations on themselves and those who will do anything to accomplish what they need to.”

“Including killing the innocent.” Rey interjected.

“Don’t act like the rebellion doesn’t have blood on their hands. Do you know how many people were killed when _you_ and _your_ people came and destroyed Starkiller? Do you?”

“And how many died in the Hosnian System?” she countered, bringing her eyes to meet his. He clenched his jaw,

“I didn’t have-”

“You didn’t have anything to do with it?” She snapped, “Just like you didn’t have anything to do with the Ileenium system? If we hadn’t stopped _your_ weapon from firing, billions more would be dead. Families, children…” She brought a hand up and rubbed her eyes, “I won’t even pretend to know how many lives the Resistance has taken, calling them necessary casualties, sacrifices. And how many lives I had a hand in taking. But, don’t for a second try and claim that the First Order is trying to help people. I’m so tired of people claiming that they are doing something for the greater good, when they’re only doing something out of fear or in an attempt to gain more power.”

“You don’t want power?” He asked.

“I have power.” She leaned forward resting her forearms on the table. “And no, it’s not just because of the Force. I had power on Jakku and I have the same power now. I didn’t need a family or the Force to know that and I sure as hell didn’t need to kill billions of innocent people to prove it either.”

Rey didn’t feel like drinking anymore. She didn’t feel like being anywhere near this cantina. It was times like this that she missed being able to go back to her scrapped AT-AT and just be alone. She stood up, putting her backpack on and wrapping her staff around her shoulder.

“Have my drink, I’m done.” Rey tossed a few credits on the table before turning to leave.

“Rey.” Ben stood up.

She walked out of the cantina, Ben following in suit. Rey maneuvered her way through the crowd, trying to find the quickest way to the docks. _Takodana it is_.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey weaved in and out of the crowd, walking in a pattern that she hoped would get Ben off her scent. She increased her pace, not admitting to herself that she may be lost. Maybe she could hide out in a building for a couple hours. As she started looking around for a potential building to hide out in, she felt a drop of water hit her face and she froze. Within seconds, a constant stream of rain drops was falling from the sky. The crowd began to thin as she stood, mesmerized. She extended her hand out and felt the rain drops hitting her skin. As she stood in the rain, she felt the weight of the day slowly lifting off her shoulders. She took a deep breath in and focused on remembering what this rain felt like, what it smelled like. After a moment of peace, she felt his presence behind her. Rey knew she let her guard down, but she didn’t mind. She needed space from the cantina, from Ben. But seeing this. Feeling this. She felt her stresses being wiped away, even though she felt the presence of her main stressor approaching behind her.

He admired her from a distance, her outreached hand feeling the rain.Waiting to see how she would respond.

 _I’m not going to run._ She told him without turning around. _I thought it never rained on Coruscant before sundown?_ She dropped her arm and turned around, looking at him. _I read somewhere that the weather is controlled by the government._

He looked around. _Well, WeatherNet controls it. It’s very expensive to change the weather like this. Someone must have really wanted it to rain right now._ He smiled to himself.

She caught an odd tone in his voice and her eyebrows knit, but before she could push it any further, he asked,

_Are you okay?_

This caught her by surprise, she didn’t think she would ever get used to people asking her that question and actually caring about the answer. Let alone that person being Ben Solo.

 _No, I’m not._ She looked at him, and weighed the honesty of her answer, knowing that it was probably going to be the best option when talking with Ben. She started walking towards him. _Are you?_

He looked at her inquisitively, before responding, _No, neither am I._

She nodded and looked around, there were a few people bustling about their daily lives, hustling through the rain. She wondered what their everyday problems were like. Did they know where their next meal was coming from? Did they have a family to go back to every night? Did they appreciate this abundance of water?

She knew she wasn’t the only one who had a difficult life, she tried to remember that there are people out there that have it worse than her. _Probably not._ She thought to herself. _But stop with the self-pity. You’re alive, aren’t you?_ She realized Ben could probably hear all of this, so she looked at him and told him,

“I’m going to go back to my hotel room. You know where it is, so you don’t have to chase me there like a lunatic.” He chuckled.

Rey wiped back the hair plastered to her face from the rain. She looked up at the rain and then back the way she came from the cantina, thinking. “Actually, I’m going to run. I’ve never run in rain before.” She reached down and checked the security of her belt and side pouch, along with her pack and staff before looking back at Ben, who was watching her closely.

“You run?” She asked.

He nodded, then looked down at what he was wearing. “Not exactly running clothes, and soaking wet, but why not?”

She laughed, “Well that’s what happens when your clothes are so fancy.”

He smiled, “Fancy? Rey, these are my civilian clothes.”

“Maker, civilian clothes?” Rey turned and started walking back towards the cantina, Ben walking to catch up. “Well I guess it’s better than that ridiculous Kylo Ren garb.”

"Hey,” He chuckled as they started jogging. They were silent as they made their way back to the cantina. There were a few times when Ben would point something out and explain its importance or when Rey would see some interesting new food being displayed and she would get distracted.

 They would switch between talking out loud and communicating through their link, their conversations flowing perfectly from one topic, to a comfortable silence, then to the next prompt of interest. Rey was about to ask him what he was doing on planet when they rounded the corner to the cantina, where a large group of Stormtroopers were harassing some of the market booth owners outside.

 Rey started to remove her staff as she increased her speed towards them. Before she was very far, Ben had grabbed her arm and pulled her to the side behind a large stack of crates.

“What the hell are you doing, get off me!” She yanked her arm away, turning to head back towards the troopers who were now unnecessarily knocking things off merchant’s tables, laughing.

He rushed in front of her and cornered in against the crates, hiding them both from the troopers’ gaze.

“Rey- don’t.” He warned.

“Don’t? Don’t what? Don’t help those people your troopers are hurting?” She tried pushing him back, but he only took a half step back, still barely giving her any room to breathe, let alone move. “Why? Don’t want me interfering with any of your direct orders? Do they have to get their daily ‘abuse the innocent bystanders’ quota for today?”

“Rey, I didn’t know they’d be here,” He started, peering around the crates. “You really overestimate my involvement in the day to day activities of the First Order.”

“This isn’t funny, Ben. Those people are just trying to survive, and _your_ men are tormenting them.” She tried moving to see what they were doing now, but he was too big to see around. She clenched her teeth before threatening,

“Move out of my way before I make you move. You might not give two shits about other people, but I actually care about those in pain who are too weak to protect themselves.”

A look of anger crossed his face before he could control it, but he didn’t respond. She stared him down, letting him know the severity of her claim. A few moments passed before he moved back, just enough to let her push by him.

When she finally saw the scene, the Troopers were already moving away, but someone laid sprawled on the ground in front of a booth. Rey rushed over and knelt besides the person. Upon seeing that he was human, she reached to feel for a pulse on his throat. She let out a breath of relief when she felt one, faint, but there. Turning him onto his back, she noticed a large cut on his forehead and a bruised, and probably broken, nose.

She swung her pack off of her back and opened it, reaching for a bacta patch. She used the bottom part of her sash to wipe some of the blood away before placing the patch on the cut. Looking down the man’s chest, she didn’t see any blood, but since his breathing was so labored, she assumed they probably hit him in the stomach a few times, maybe breaking ribs or causing internal bleeding. Nothing she could help with. _Shit, shit, shit._ She didn’t know what to do, she had no idea how to Force heal. Before she could think anything else, a Twi’lek and another human were there helping the man up.

“Don’t worry, we know a doctor who can help.” The Twi’lek told her in fluent Basic. “Thank you for helping our friend.”

“There are not many who help their fellow people now-a-days.” The other added. 

Rey solemnly smiled, nodding her head at them and watched them walk away. She turned back to where Ben was standing, not attempting to mask the fury that covered her face or the tears that brimmed her eyes. Not wanting to talk to him, let alone look at him, she picked up her pack and stormed into the cantina towards her room.

_Rey, don’t-_

_Don’t speak to me._ She brought a hand up and wiped away a tear before it had the chance to fall down her cheek. As she made her way through the people in cantina, she realized how hungry she was, but she didn’t want to stop and give Ben time to catch up. Ignoring her hunger pains wasn’t a new feeling.

 She didn’t stop walking until she was in her room, locking the door behind her.  

She rested her staff against the wall next to her bed and placed her bag on the floor, pausing a moment before she felt herself choke back a sob. Sitting on the bed, she brought her knees up and wrapped her arms around them. She knew she was getting her bed wet, but she couldn’t find it in herself to care.

It was supposed to be different once she left Jakku. She hated feeling powerless. Powerless in helping herself, but more importantly, powerless in helping others. _What’s the point of having these stupid powers if I can’t even help anyone,_ she thought to herself.

Some small part of her, some small stupid part of her had hope for Ben. She didn’t know where that hope came from, only that she unfortunately still felt it, which made her feel even worse. Her tears came freely now, and she slowly rested her forehead against her knees. She stayed this way for a few minutes, allowing all her tears to come out.

She allowed herself a few minutes of this before her crying slowed. Using her arm wraps to wipe her eyes and cheeks, she rested her head back down on her knees and sat there is silence, lacking the motivation for anything else. Slowly, she felt the pull of sleep, so she laid on her side and succumbed.

A few minutes later she heard a soft knock at the door. Knowing it could only be one person, she quickly rubbed the sleep from her eyes and a took a moment to compose herself. She had no idea how long she was out, but it was dark outside her window and the rain had stopped.

“Let yourself in.” She called out, knowing the lock wouldn’t hinder him.

  Ben open the door and walked in quietly with what looked like two food packs in hand. She could vaguely smell the food and it caused her stomach to growl loudly. He set them on the small table by the door before closing it and sitting in a chair.

“What are you-”

“Han…” Kylo started, leaning forward and wiping his face with one of his hands. “Han activated my saber on Starkiller.”

Rey looked up,

“What?”

“On the bridge on Starkiller.” He spoke slowly, like he was trying to recall last night’s dream or an old memory. “I told him I needed help, that I was still feeling the pull of the light. That I didn’t think I had the strength to do what I needed to. I needed to eliminate what was pulling me back to the light, I needed to-”

“Snoke told you to kill your father…” Rey started, realizing what happened. “But you hesitated, and Han saw. He saw that you still had light in you and he didn’t want you to screw up your chance of coming back.”

“It’s my fault, I couldn’t do it. I was almost-” He faltered, looking at the ground. “I was...”

“You were going to come home.” Rey’s eyes widened as she looked at him. He wouldn’t meet her gaze. They sat in silence as Rey was working through what he told her.

“Wait, then why did you fight me?” She got off the bed and walked over to him, her eyes searching his face. “If you were going to come home, why did you try to kill me?”

Kylo abruptly stood up, looming over her.

“I had just watched my father die, by my own blade. And then I was immediately shot by the one person I actually trusted when I was young.” He took a step towards her, eyes brimming with tears, “You may think I’m evil, and my relationship with my father was anything but good, but he was my father and I was given no time to mourn him.”

“So, you attacked me. You hurt Finn, you almost killed him. He barely survived getting off planet.”

“You have no idea what it’s like to lose someone like that.” His voice raised, “To constantly relive the moment, not knowing whether you could have done something to stop it!”

Rey laughed darkly, not backing down from his advancements.

“You have no fucking clue who you’re talking to.” She took a step toward him, forcing him to step back. “You know exactly what you could have done, you know exactly where you went wrong.” She took another step forward, and he stepped back and hit the wall, but still stood tall.

“ _You_ made the decision to leave your family. Mine abandoned me on Jakku, left me in the hands of a junk trader who only took advantage of me. I waited for years and they never came back,” she was inches away from his face, which had softened while she spoke. Upon realizing it, she stepped back. She looked at the floor, taking a moment to think about what she wanted to say next. She had not felt this kind of dry anger in a long time, and she knew she had let it control her words, so she took a moment to remind herself of what he went through when he was younger. She took a deep breath before meeting his eyes and continuing.

“So yes, I do know what it’s like to relive a single moment in your life and not knowing what you did to deserve it or what I could have done to change it. But no, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone like that.” Rey crossed her arms. “I would have to remember what my family was like in order to feel that, I guess.”

They were both quiet for a while, it was deafening. To fill the silence she asked,

“Why are you here, Ben?”

“I just came up to tell you-”

“No. Ben.” Rey turned away from him and sat on the edge of the bed. “Why are you on this planet? What are you really doing here?”

Ben took a deep breath before sitting back down in the chair.

“Officially, I’m on business for the First Order. In reality, I actually created a fake mission to get time away from it all.”

Rey’s look at him,

“What?”

“I can’t continue to be a part of it anymore,” he continued.

She just stared at him, her face frozen in disbelief, so he clarified,

“I only came here to decide where I was going to go next. I won’t ever be able to escape the darkness inside of me, especially as long as Snoke is still alive. I know the only way I can be safe from Snoke, from everything, is if I get as far away from him as-”

“I left the Rebellion.” She interjected.

It was Ben’s turn to be surprised,

“What do you mean?” He asked before adding with a more worried tone, “What did Luke do?”

 “It wasn’t just Luke. It was a number of things,” Rey stood up and began pacing. “But, Luke refused to teach me. He saw my power and he told me there was only one person who had the raw power that I did, and that it didn’t scare him enough then. He wasn’t taking any more chances. Leia tried to argue on my behalf, claiming that Anakin was able to go back to the light even after everything he did, but-”

“He what?”

“What?” She asked.

“What did you say about Anakin?”

“That at the end he… wait. You don’t…” Rey realized, “Of course you don’t know. All you wanted to do was finish what he started, well what Vader started.” Rey stopped and looked at him,

“What did your parents tell you about Anakin?”

“They told me enough about Anakin, who they kept from me was Darth Vader.” Bitterness filling his words. Rey walked to the opposing chair where Ben was and sat down.

“They didn’t tell you anything about Vader? About what really happened on the second Death Star. What did they tell you about Palpatine?”

“Nothing. They would have had to tell me about Vader. Snoke told me his story, that he helped create the true Empire and its beliefs before he was killed when the second Death Star was destroyed by the Rebellion.

Rey covered her eyes with her hand,

“Maker, it’s no wonder you were so driven.” She stood and walked to the still open window, not even knowing where to start. _Would he even believe me if I told him what happened?_

“Try me.” Ben said.

“Hey.” She pointed a finger at him, remembering how angry she still was with him, “Stay out of my head, my thoughts are my own.” _Wait. No, they’re not. I could just use my memories-_

“-to show me what you’ve learned about my grandfather.”

“I said-”

“Yeah, yeah I know. I can’t really control this thing if you haven’t realized it yet.”

“I know you can’t, that doesn’t make it less annoying though.” She sighed, “So how does this work, we’re not going to repeat what happened the last time you tried to get information out of my head, right?”

If she wasn’t looking directly at him, she would have missed his almost hidden wince. She knew he deserved to feel bad about it, and that it was probably good that he felt bad about it, since it showed he understood the damage he had caused, but she still didn’t like the pain he was feeling.

“No, it won’t be like last time. For one, you’ll be allowing me to access your thoughts, I won’t be trying to take them against your will.”

“Just tell me what to do.” She didn’t want to relive what happened on Starkiller.

“Okay,” He hesitated, then added, “Before we do this, you should know, I might see more than you intend to show me.”

“What?”

“When you give me access to your mind and specific thoughts, I might see memories or thoughts that you might not want me to see. I just thought I would warn you.”

“Yeah, well, just do your best to stick to information about your grandfather, okay?” She stepped toward him, so he was able to bring his hands up to either side of her face. _Well this is extremely intimate,_ she thought. He immediately adjusted his hands so that only two fingers were pressing against her temple instead of cupping her face.

“Better?” He genuinely asked.

She couldn’t help but blush, but she nodded her head yes and avoided his eyes, choosing to close them. She was overly aware of how her arms were hanging awkwardly at her side.

“Now you need to focus on what you know, what you remember.” He instructed, “I will try my best to stay focused on only the thoughts about my grandfather, but stray thoughts may appear.”

 _I’m trusting you, Ben._ She thought.

 _I know._ Her eyes opened and met his.

 _Ready?_ He asked.

_Yes._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yall I am so sorry for my inconsistent posting, thanks for tagging along with my non-existent posting schedule<3 Any comments would be immensely appreciated!   
> Love you guys<3

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys:) This is my first fic that I've written, I'm trying to use this as a way to help anxiety/depression. You know... the fun stuff. I will try to keep writing as much as I can, and hopefully I'll fall into a rhythm,.  
> I would love constructive criticism!<3


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